Emily Kapp Comedy


Recent graduate of The Ohio State University now living in Chicago. Previous writer for The Black Sheep and current writer for co-created publication The Good News.



 Contact: emilykapp611@gmail.com


McSweeney's

I'm the String Lights in Your Room, and No, You Don't Have Your Life Together

The Belladonna

A 16th Century Noblewoman Congratulates You On Your Promotion to Senior Accountant

Slackjaw

I Told The Waitress It's Your Birthday Even Though It's Not Because I'm Fun, Spontaneous, And A Compulsive Liar

Little Old Lady Comedy

This Week's Pumpkin Obituaries

Welcome to TikTok Dance Rehearsal, I'm Your Instructor, Abby Lee Miller

I'm a Jeep Owner, And No, I'm Not In A Cult

Yo' Momma Jokes That Fall Flat Since Your New Stepmom Was Born in 1991

Lysol Lemon Breeze A La Mode Recipe Published One Month From Now

Hi, I’m Cupid, Will Somebody Shoot An Arrow In My Ass For Once?

I’m 25 Years Old And Yes, My Mom Still Schedules My Dick Appointments

Baby Names Mary And God Considered Before Settling On “Jesus Christ”

5 Self-Care Remedies For Your Distressed Jeans

Points in Case

Getting to Know Your Middle School Student Government Candidates

It's Time We Start Talking About President Trump

It's Really Really Really Important That We As 10-Year-Old Boys Stand Together And Get the Cooties Vaccine

I'm A Newspaper and I'm Loving My New Side Hustle as the Food Presentation Wrap Paper in a Trendy Restaurant

Now's Not the Time to Bring Up the Buzz Lightyear Toy Up My Ass, Right?

"Go Ahead and Delete Facebook, But Good Luck Remembering When Your High School Bully's Birthday Is" by Mark Zuckerberg

Robot Butt

Why Doesn't Anybody Want a Cameo From Me, O.J. Simpson?

Take Me Back to When It Was Okay to Cough In People's Mouths

I Refused to Believe It Wasn't Butter. This Is My Journey to Understanding.

Sam's Club Hazing Rites of Passage for New Membership Holders

It Just Doesn’t ‘Feel’ Like World Naked Gardening Day This Year, You Know?

Funny-ish

2020 Out Of Office Replies

Falling Piano Violence Has No Place In Our Cartoon Schools

Hi, I'm the COVID-19 Testing Kit, and Celebrities Are Just More Important. There, I Said It.

God Checks His Voicemails

The Daily Drunk

I'm A Cardboard Cutout at a Baseball Game And I'm Having A Breakdown

I'm The Off-Brand Froot Loops, And I Can't Pretend Anymore

Job Descriptions for Netflix Original Movie Roles

Oh, The Places You Won't Go!

How Pants Work

Thanksgiving Stage Notes for Racist Uncles

Dr. Fauci Weighs In On How All That Ass Can Fit In Them Jeans

Move Over #GirlDads, Meet My Stepdad Greg

I’m 25 Years Old And Yes, My Mom Still Schedules My Dick Appointments

Yes, I know what you’re thinking: I’m 25 years old, I have a full-time job, a 401k for God’s sake, and I’m just yet another millennial that still has their mother book their dick appointments for them. It’s so embarrassing, but it’s the one part of “adulting” that I haven’t gotten in the habit of doing on my own just yet! I think one of the reasons why I don’t schedule my dick appointments myself is because I’m a busy woman. Between work, exercising, and keeping up with an active social life, y

Baby Names Mary And God Considered Before Settling On “Jesus Christ”

For all new parents, choosing a name for their newborn is one of the toughest tasks. Little do people know, even Mary and the Lord himself mulled over many names before deciding on ‘Jesus Christ’ for the Son of God after one of their favorite musicals, “Jesus Christ Superstar.” See the list of names Mary and God were deciding on before the Light of the World was born. 1.) God 2: Little known fact: if God wasn’t the Lord Almighty, he would have liked to be a big shot movie executive, so like the

5 Self-Care Remedies For Your Distressed Jeans

You think you’re stressed? Your jeans are literally distressed. For all they do for you, indulge your distressed jeans with a few of these self-care home remedies that will lift the spirits of any type of jeans, no matter how ripped, patched up, and trendy they are. 1.) Stretch them out at yoga class. Your jeans’ fibers are as tight as your muscles after you decided to “try out” CrossFit that one time: they are clenching big-time just to fit your well-deserving, sexy ass. Stretch them out with

Opinion: A Whole Wheat, Organic Option of Holy Bread Should — No — MUST Be Provided During…

Opinion: A Whole Wheat, Organic Option of Holy Bread Should — No — MUST Be Provided During Communion To whom it may concern: Hello. My name is Jill Hagan and I’m a rather active member of the parish community. I’m a two-time elect church council assistant secretary, a member of the sisterhood, and to top it off, I’ve planned the annual Easter Egg Hunt Extravaganza for the last four years. I’m writing today as a leader within the parish and as a mother to make it known to our church community

Jesus Beginning To Feel Like Third Wheel Lodged Between Two Grinding Tweens at Middle School Dance

Jesus Beginning To Feel Like Third Wheel Lodged Between Two Grinding Tweens at Middle School Dance Numerous claims coming out of Holy Cross Catholic Middle School report that unfortunately, Jesus Christ is starting to feel a little bit like a third wheel after local horndogs Sarah Bunker and Mark Austings were scolded to have the Son of God “join them” in the five-inch space that separated Austings’ Nike sport polo from Bunker’s triumphantly-trying A-cups at the Holy Cross Catholic Middle Schoo

Point/Counterpoint: Ohio Corn Is Better Than Indiana Corn, And Therefore, Our Boys Are Better At Football Than Them

Since stupid Penn State gave Ohio State a run for its money last weekend, we’re all hoping and praying that this weekend against Indiana goes more smoothly. Considering the fact that Ohio corn is totally better than Indiana corn, we at The Black Sheep are pretty sure that that automatically makes us better at football too. Right? Let’s look at the facts. Point: According to statistics, Ohio corn tends to have a 47% higher kernel count than Indiana corn. What does this have to do with football

Following 5-Year Suspension, AEPi Excited to Welcome Recently Bar Mitzvahed 7th Grader

Jacob Goldberg, a current seventh-grader who just got bar mitzvahed this past weekend, is looking forward to being the next pledge in Alpha Epsilon Pi at The Ohio State University after the fraternity, along with Sigma Alpha Mu, was recently placed on a five-year suspension by the university, and will not be allowed back on campus until 2023. While the historically Jewish fraternity will no longer be able to recruit new members, Goldberg believes he is a good candidate for AEPi’s next pledge cl

Brutus is a Manwhore

On campus, bumping into Brutus the Buckeye is an immediate mood booster. He’s our mascot, buddy, and motivator. Overall, he’s the epitome of a team player. But one thing that many Ohio State students don’t know, is that Brutus is a leading player on an entirely different field as well. At the age of 50, Brutus Buckeye…is a manwhore. In light of this news, several hundred people came out Sunday night to meet in the Shoe for a support group of all of those who were screwed over by Brutus Buckeye.
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