McSweeney's
HR Pulls Your Kid in For a Performance Improvement Plan on Take Your Child to Work Day (April 2024)
I'm the String Lights in Your Room, and No, You Don't Have Your Life Together (May 2020)
The Belladonna
Sunblock Bingo for Pasty People (June 2024)
Team USA Is Proud of Our New Women's Track Uniforms: A Birthday Suit With a Nike Logo Sharpied On (April 2024)
Daily Itinerary of Someone With Chapped Hands (February 2024)
Post-Op Instructions For Bugle Finger Transplant Patients (October 2022)
We Need a Disney Princess Who's Just As Obsessed With Disney As Me, A 34-Year-Old Adult Woman (August 2021)
A 16th Century Noblewoman Congratulates You On Your Promotion to Senior Accountant (October 2020)
Slackjaw
Welcome To Golden Rings: A Retirement Home For Former Olympians With No Purpose (August 2024)
Please Visit Our Small Indiana Town For Your College Spring Break (March 2024)
Son, Don't Use One of My 217 Shoeboxes From My Sneaker Collection For Your Valentine's Box (February 2024)
I Was In One Successful Film Franchise 15 Years Ago, So It's Time I Launched An Overpriced Alcohol Brand (September 2023)
I Have A Type And It's Overly Available AI Men Who Are Know-It-Alls (May 2023)
If The Celebrity McDonald's Meals Were At Places Celebrities Actually Eat At (April 2023)
If Santa Were An Influencer (December 2022)
Spirit Halloween Asks Greenview Plaza If It Can Crash At Their Abandoned Storefront For A Bit (October 2022)
Subscribe To Our Morning Newsletter To Read The Saddest Things Possible From the Past 24 Hours (September 2022)
I'm Van Gogh's Ear And I Just Feel A Little Cut Off By the Guy (August 2022)
I'm A Weak Password, And I Just Don't Have It In Me To Get Stronger (June 2022)
I'm A Parallel Parking Spot, And I Love Playing Hard to Get (May 2022)
Back In My Day, I Had to Walk 5 Miles Uphill in the Snow To Get COVID Tested When the Nurse Did it For You (March 2022)
I'm A Monkey At A Zoo Lights Exhibit, Am I Not Enough For You? (December 2021)
The Silly Goose Wants To Be Taken Seriously (August 2021)
Introducing VaxPass, The Pass That Lets You Cut The Vaccine Line (January 2021)
I Told The Waitress It's Your Birthday Even Though It's Not Because I'm Fun, Spontaneous, And A Compulsive Liar (July 2020)
Points in Case
The U.S. Begs England To Take Them Back (July 2024)
Everything I Missed Out On While My Glasses Were Fogged Up (March 2024)
For Our Wedding, Please Buy Us Useless Kitchen Shit Off Our Registry (September 2023)
I'm a Rubber Duck and I'm Resigning from My Position at Bathtub Inc. (April 2023)
8 New Amazon Prime Benefits to Make You Forget About Their Bad Working Conditions (March 2023)
Mrs. Claus Serves Santa Divorce Papers (December 2021)
"Would You Mind If I Picked Your Brain?" From a Zombie on LinkedIn (October 2021)
I'm the Screaming Baby on an Airplane - It's a Tough Crowd Here (July 2021)
I'm A Crash Test Dummy and I Hate My Job (April 2021)
A Bully's Recipe for a Knuckle Sandwich (March 2021)
I'm the PDF a Baby Boomer Needs Help Opening (March 2021)
2020 Onboarding 2021 (December 2020)
Getting to Know Your Middle School Student Government Candidates (November 2020)
It's Time We Start Talking About President Trump (October 2020)
It's Really Really Really Important That We As 10-Year-Old Boys Stand Together And Get the Cooties Vaccine (September 2020)
I'm A Newspaper and I'm Loving My New Side Hustle as the Food Presentation Wrap Paper in a Trendy Restaurant (September 2020)
Now's Not the Time to Bring Up the Buzz Lightyear Toy Up My Ass, Right? (July 2020)
"Go Ahead and Delete Facebook, But Good Luck Remembering When Your High School Bully's Birthday Is" by Mark Zuckerberg (May 2020)
Weekly Humorist
A Resume and Cover Letter for a Seat Filler at the Oscars (March 2024)
Santa's 9-1-1 Call Transcripts (December 2023)
Roku City's Police Blotter (December 2023)
April Fools Day Pranks For Fancy Boys (April 2023)
A Camel Explains Why You Can't Handle Dry January Like They Can (January 2023)
Power Ranking The Best And Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children (December 2022)
The Final Diary Entries From the Turkey That The President Did Not Pardon (November 2022)
How To Tell People You Voted Other Than An "I Voted" Sticker (November 2022)
As A Mason Jar, I've Had Enough of These Barn Weddings (September 2022)
It's The Great Resignation, Charlie Brown: Linus Puts His Two Weeks In at Charlie Brown's Vape Shop (April 2022)
I'm The Cookie Monster And It's Time I Stop Limiting Myself In Terms of Cookies (December 2021)
The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes (August 2021)
The Aliens On Mars Respond to Jeff Bezos' Inhabitance There 5 Years From Now (July 2021)
The Guy Who Designs Music Festival Posters Explains Himself (July 2021)
"I Couldn't Help Killing Mufasa, I'm A Gemini" by Scar (May 2021)
Hi, I'm the Toilet in the Back of Your Mirror Selfie - You Can See Me, Right? (March 2021)
Valentine's Day Has Lost Its Original Purpose: Raw Dogging (By: St. Valentine) (February 2021)
Airbnb Reviews Of Middle School Girls' Houses Post-Sleepover (April 2023)
Cupid Overshares On An Axe-Throwing First Date (February 2023)
I'm A Man Leaning Against A Metal Fence, Do You Want My Expensive Cigarette? (April 2022)
Here's Why I, A Landlord, Am Starting to Charge Zendaya's 2019 Met Gala Look For Living Rent-Free In My Mind (October 2021)
It's Time to Address the Elephant in the Room: Me, An Elephant (June 2021)
Kids Who Did Embarrassing Things In Elementary School: Where Are They Now? (April 2021)
This Week's Pumpkin Obituaries (October 2020)
Welcome to TikTok Dance Rehearsal, I'm Your Instructor, Abby Lee Miller (August 2020)
I'm a Jeep Owner, And No, I'm Not In A Cult (July 2020)
Yo' Momma Jokes That Fall Flat Since Your New Stepmom Was Born in 1991 (May 2020)
Lysol Lemon Breeze A La Mode Recipe Published One Month From Now (April 2020)
Hi, I’m Cupid, Will Somebody Shoot An Arrow In My Ass For Once? (February 2020)
I’m 25 Years Old And Yes, My Mom Still Schedules My Dick Appointments (January 2020)
Baby Names Mary And God Considered Before Settling On “Jesus Christ” (December 2019)
5 Self-Care Remedies For Your Distressed Jeans (November 2019)
Robot Butt
Our Favorite Amazon Prime Day Traditions (July 2024)
At Subway, We Heard Your Complaints Loud and Clear, So We're Making Things Worse (February 2024)
I'm A TV Character Wearing a Baja Jacket, And That Should Tell You All You Need to Know About Me (November 2023)
Small Businesses Are Dying, and I'm Making Sure Of It By Supporting Corporate Chains (August 2023)
I Cook, I Clean, and Now Hulu Is Making Me Choose My Own Commercials, Too (July 2023)
The Microwave Popcorn Button Begs You For Another Chance (May 2023)
Thoughtful, Non-Sexual, Platonic Customized Mugs to Gift Your Therapist This Valentine's Day (February 2023)
If Every Company Had a Rewards Program (February 2023)
The Best and Worst Places to Haunt In 2022: Glassdoor Reviews (included in October 2022 print anthology)
Workshopped LinkedIn Posts Announcing the Passage of My Kidney Stone (September 2022)
10 Senior Citizen Pranks to Try Before Leaving the Nursing Home For Good (August 2022)
I'm An Amazon Alexa and We Need to Talk About the Private Conversations You've Been Having (June 2022)
The Charmin Bear Wife Reads Intervention Letter to Husband Who Was Caught Using a Bidet (June 2022)
I Just Think an NBA Player Is a More Talented Russian Hostage Than a WNBA One (April 2022)
A Prayer to St. Ive's Apricot Scrub (March 2022)
My Girlfriend Goes to a Different School But She Is Definitely Real (September 2021)
What the Anonymous Google Doc Animals Think About Your YA Novel Draft So Far (July 2021)
The Operation Board Game Guy Considers a Malpractice Suit (June 2021)
I Am a Rooftop Bar (May 2021)
Why SpongeBob SquarePants Should Be Killed Off Of "SpongeBob SquarePants" (February 2021)
Why Doesn't Anybody Want a Cameo From Me, O.J. Simpson? (September 2020)
Take Me Back to When It Was Okay to Cough In People's Mouths (July 2020)
I Refused to Believe It Wasn't Butter. This Is My Journey to Understanding. (June 2020)
Sam's Club Hazing Rites of Passage for New Membership Holders (May 2020)
It Just Doesn’t ‘Feel’ Like World Naked Gardening Day This Year, You Know? (April 2020)
2020 Out Of Office Replies (November 2020)
Falling Piano Violence Has No Place In Our Cartoon Schools (September 2020)
Hi, I'm the COVID-19 Testing Kit, and Celebrities Are Just More Important. There, I Said It.
God Checks His Voicemails (January 2020)
Mario and Luigi's Driver's Ed Teacher Taught Them Everything They Know (August 2021)
You're Going to Have to Think of Something a Tad More Traumatizing To Be Cast On This Reality Show (June 2021)
What Is It About Me That Attracts The Crazy Ones? (by A Horse) (March 2021)
I'm A Cardboard Cutout at a Baseball Game And I'm Having A Breakdown
I'm The Off-Brand Froot Loops, And I Can't Pretend Anymore
Job Descriptions for Netflix Original Movie Roles
How Pants Work
Thanksgiving Stage Notes for Racist Uncles (November 2020)
Dr. Fauci Weighs In On How All That Ass Can Fit In Them Jeans (September 2020)
Move Over #GirlDads, Meet My Stepdad Greg (August 2020)
Other
I'm Fireworks And I Don't Like Being Around You When You Make Out (July 2022)
Other Great Presidents That Have Yet To Be Honored On President's Day (February 2022)
The Waiter At the First Thanksgiving Serves You (November 2021)
Why Don't Any Of You Dumb Nuts Understand My Minimalist Halloween Costume? (October 2021)
Exclusive Interview with Soulja Boi, the Rapper, and A U.S. Soldier (June 2021)
Santa Visits The Happy Honda Days Sales Event (December 2020)
Exclusive Interview With Cupid, The Baby And Cupid From The "Cupid Shuffle" (February 2020)