Emily Kapp Comedy


Managing Editor for The Belladonna and comedy writer based in Chicago.


 Contact: emilykapp611@gmail.com


McSweeney's

I'm the String Lights in Your Room, and No, You Don't Have Your Life Together (May 2020)

The Belladonna

Post-Op Instructions For Bugle Finger Transplant Patients (October 2022)

We Need a Disney Princess Who's Just As Obsessed With Disney As Me, A 34-Year-Old Adult Woman (August 2021)

A 16th Century Noblewoman Congratulates You On Your Promotion to Senior Accountant (October 2020)

Slackjaw

I Have A Type And It's Overly Available AI Men Who Are Know-It-Alls (May 2023)

If The Celebrity McDonald's Meals Were At Places Celebrities Actually Eat At (April 2023)

If Santa Were An Influencer (December 2022)

Spirit Halloween Asks Greenview Plaza If It Can Crash At Their Abandoned Storefront For A Bit (October 2022)

Subscribe To Our Morning Newsletter To Read The Saddest Things Possible From the Past 24 Hours (September 2022)

I'm Van Gogh's Ear And I Just Feel A Little Cut Off By the Guy (August 2022)

I'm A Weak Password, And I Just Don't Have It In Me To Get Stronger (June 2022)

I'm A Parallel Parking Spot, And I Love Playing Hard to Get (May 2022)

Back In My Day, I Had to Walk 5 Miles Uphill in the Snow To Get COVID Tested When the Nurse Did it For You (March 2022)

I'm A Monkey At A Zoo Lights Exhibit, Am I Not Enough For You? (December 2021)

The Silly Goose Wants To Be Taken Seriously (August 2021)

Introducing VaxPass, The Pass That Lets You Cut The Vaccine Line (January 2021)

I Told The Waitress It's Your Birthday Even Though It's Not Because I'm Fun, Spontaneous, And A Compulsive Liar (July 2020)

Points in Case

When You Shop My Balloon Bouquet Small Business Where I Blow Every Single Balloon By Mouth, You're Supporting Real People (May 2023)

I'm a Rubber Duck and I'm Resigning from My Position at Bathtub Inc. (April 2023)

8 New Amazon Prime Benefits to Make You Forget About Their Bad Working Conditions (March 2023)

Mrs. Claus Serves Santa Divorce Papers (December 2021)

"Would You Mind If I Picked Your Brain?" From a Zombie on LinkedIn (October 2021)

I'm the Screaming Baby on an Airplane - It's a Tough Crowd Here (July 2021)

I'm A Crash Test Dummy and I Hate My Job (April 2021)

A Bully's Recipe for a Knuckle Sandwich (March 2021)

I'm the PDF a Baby Boomer Needs Help Opening (March 2021)

2020 Onboarding 2021 (December 2020)

Getting to Know Your Middle School Student Government Candidates (November 2020)

It's Time We Start Talking About President Trump (October 2020)

It's Really Really Really Important That We As 10-Year-Old Boys Stand Together And Get the Cooties Vaccine (September 2020)

I'm A Newspaper and I'm Loving My New Side Hustle as the Food Presentation Wrap Paper in a Trendy Restaurant (September 2020)

Now's Not the Time to Bring Up the Buzz Lightyear Toy Up My Ass, Right? (July 2020)

"Go Ahead and Delete Facebook, But Good Luck Remembering When Your High School Bully's Birthday Is" by Mark Zuckerberg (May 2020)

Weekly Humorist

April Fools Day Pranks For Fancy Boys (April 2023)

A Camel Explains Why You Can't Handle Dry January Like They Can (January 2023)

Power Ranking The Best And Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children (December 2022)

The Final Diary Entries From the Turkey That The President Did Not Pardon (November 2022)

How To Tell People You Voted Other Than An "I Voted" Sticker (November 2022)

As A Mason Jar, I've Had Enough of These Barn Weddings (September 2022)

It's The Great Resignation, Charlie Brown: Linus Puts His Two Weeks In at Charlie Brown's Vape Shop (April 2022)

I'm The Cookie Monster And It's Time I Stop Limiting Myself In Terms of Cookies (December 2021)

The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes (August 2021)

The Aliens On Mars Respond to Jeff Bezos' Inhabitance There 5 Years From Now (July 2021)

The Guy Who Designs Music Festival Posters Explains Himself (July 2021)

"I Couldn't Help Killing Mufasa, I'm A Gemini" by Scar (May 2021)

Hi, I'm the Toilet in the Back of Your Mirror Selfie - You Can See Me, Right? (March 2021)

Valentine's Day Has Lost Its Original Purpose: Raw Dogging (By: St. Valentine) (February 2021)

Little Old Lady Comedy

Airbnb Reviews Of Middle School Girls' Houses Post-Sleepover (April 2023)

Cupid Overshares On An Axe-Throwing First Date (February 2023)

I'm A Man Leaning Against A Metal Fence, Do You Want My Expensive Cigarette? (April 2022)

Here's Why I, A Landlord, Am Starting to Charge Zendaya's 2019 Met Gala Look For Living Rent-Free In My Mind (October 2021)

It's Time to Address the Elephant in the Room: Me, An Elephant (June 2021)

Kids Who Did Embarrassing Things In Elementary School: Where Are They Now? (April 2021)

This Week's Pumpkin Obituaries (October 2020)

Welcome to TikTok Dance Rehearsal, I'm Your Instructor, Abby Lee Miller (August 2020)

I'm a Jeep Owner, And No, I'm Not In A Cult (July 2020)

Yo' Momma Jokes That Fall Flat Since Your New Stepmom Was Born in 1991 (May 2020)

Lysol Lemon Breeze A La Mode Recipe Published One Month From Now (April 2020)

Hi, I’m Cupid, Will Somebody Shoot An Arrow In My Ass For Once? (February 2020)

I’m 25 Years Old And Yes, My Mom Still Schedules My Dick Appointments (January 2020)

Baby Names Mary And God Considered Before Settling On “Jesus Christ” (December 2019)

5 Self-Care Remedies For Your Distressed Jeans (November 2019)

Robot Butt

The Microwave Popcorn Button Begs You For Another Chance (May 2023)

Thoughtful, Non-Sexual, Platonic Customized Mugs to Gift Your Therapist This Valentine's Day (February 2023)

If Every Company Had a Rewards Program (February 2023)

The Best and Worst Places to Haunt In 2022: Glassdoor Reviews (included in October 2022 print anthology)

Workshopped LinkedIn Posts Announcing the Passage of My Kidney Stone (September 2022)

10 Senior Citizen Pranks to Try Before Leaving the Nursing Home For Good (August 2022)

I'm An Amazon Alexa and We Need to Talk About the Private Conversations You've Been Having (June 2022)

The Charmin Bear Wife Reads Intervention Letter to Husband Who Was Caught Using a Bidet (June 2022)

I Just Think an NBA Player Is a More Talented Russian Hostage Than a WNBA One (April 2022)

A Prayer to St. Ive's Apricot Scrub (March 2022)

My Girlfriend Goes to a Different School But She Is Definitely Real (September 2021)

What the Anonymous Google Doc Animals Think About Your YA Novel Draft So Far (July 2021)

The Operation Board Game Guy Considers a Malpractice Suit (June 2021)

I Am a Rooftop Bar (May 2021)

Why SpongeBob SquarePants Should Be Killed Off Of "SpongeBob SquarePants" (February 2021)

Why Doesn't Anybody Want a Cameo From Me, O.J. Simpson? (September 2020)

Take Me Back to When It Was Okay to Cough In People's Mouths (July 2020)

I Refused to Believe It Wasn't Butter. This Is My Journey to Understanding. (June 2020)

Sam's Club Hazing Rites of Passage for New Membership Holders (May 2020)

It Just Doesn’t ‘Feel’ Like World Naked Gardening Day This Year, You Know? (April 2020)

Funny-ish

2020 Out Of Office Replies (November 2020)

Falling Piano Violence Has No Place In Our Cartoon Schools (September 2020)

Hi, I'm the COVID-19 Testing Kit, and Celebrities Are Just More Important. There, I Said It.

God Checks His Voicemails (January 2020)

The Daily Drunk

Mario and Luigi's Driver's Ed Teacher Taught Them Everything They Know (August 2021)

You're Going to Have to Think of Something a Tad More Traumatizing To Be Cast On This Reality Show (June 2021)

What Is It About Me That Attracts The Crazy Ones? (by A Horse) (March 2021)

I'm A Cardboard Cutout at a Baseball Game And I'm Having A Breakdown

I'm The Off-Brand Froot Loops, And I Can't Pretend Anymore

Job Descriptions for Netflix Original Movie Roles

Oh, The Places You Won't Go!

How Pants Work

Thanksgiving Stage Notes for Racist Uncles (November 2020)

Dr. Fauci Weighs In On How All That Ass Can Fit In Them Jeans (September 2020)

Move Over #GirlDads, Meet My Stepdad Greg (August 2020)

Other

I'm Fireworks And I Don't Like Being Around You When You Make Out (July 2022)

Other Great Presidents That Have Yet To Be Honored On President's Day (February 2022)

The Waiter At the First Thanksgiving Serves You (November 2021)

Why Don't Any Of You Dumb Nuts Understand My Minimalist Halloween Costume? (October 2021)

Exclusive Interview with Soulja Boi, the Rapper, and A U.S. Soldier (June 2021)

Santa Visits The Happy Honda Days Sales Event (December 2020)

Exclusive Interview With Cupid, The Baby And Cupid From The "Cupid Shuffle" (February 2020)

Little Old Lady Comedy •

I’m 25 Years Old And Yes, My Mom Still Schedules My Dick Appointments

Yes, I know what you’re thinking: I’m 25 years old, I have a full-time job, a 401k for God’s sake, and I’m just yet another millennial that still has their mother book their dick appointments for them. It’s so embarrassing, but it’s the one part of “adulting” that I haven’t gotten in the habit of doing on my own just yet! I think one of the reasons why I don’t schedule my dick appointments myself is because I’m a busy woman. Between work, exercising, and keeping up with an active social life, y
Little Old Lady Comedy •

Baby Names Mary And God Considered Before Settling On “Jesus Christ”

For all new parents, choosing a name for their newborn is one of the toughest tasks. Little do people know, even Mary and the Lord himself mulled over many names before deciding on ‘Jesus Christ’ for the Son of God after one of their favorite musicals, “Jesus Christ Superstar.” See the list of names Mary and God were deciding on before the Light of the World was born. 1.) God 2: Little known fact: if God wasn’t the Lord Almighty, he would have liked to be a big shot movie executive, so like the
Little Old Lady Comedy •

5 Self-Care Remedies For Your Distressed Jeans

You think you’re stressed? Your jeans are literally distressed. For all they do for you, indulge your distressed jeans with a few of these self-care home remedies that will lift the spirits of any type of jeans, no matter how ripped, patched up, and trendy they are. 1.) Stretch them out at yoga class. Your jeans’ fibers are as tight as your muscles after you decided to “try out” CrossFit that one time: they are clenching big-time just to fit your well-deserving, sexy ass. Stretch them out with
Medium •

Opinion: A Whole Wheat, Organic Option of Holy Bread Should — No — MUST Be Provided During…

Opinion: A Whole Wheat, Organic Option of Holy Bread Should — No — MUST Be Provided During Communion To whom it may concern: Hello. My name is Jill Hagan and I’m a rather active member of the parish community. I’m a two-time elect church council assistant secretary, a member of the sisterhood, and to top it off, I’ve planned the annual Easter Egg Hunt Extravaganza for the last four years. I’m writing today as a leader within the parish and as a mother to make it known to our church community
Medium •

Jesus Beginning To Feel Like Third Wheel Lodged Between Two Grinding Tweens at Middle School Dance

Jesus Beginning To Feel Like Third Wheel Lodged Between Two Grinding Tweens at Middle School Dance Numerous claims coming out of Holy Cross Catholic Middle School report that unfortunately, Jesus Christ is starting to feel a little bit like a third wheel after local horndogs Sarah Bunker and Mark Austings were scolded to have the Son of God “join them” in the five-inch space that separated Austings’ Nike sport polo from Bunker’s triumphantly-trying A-cups at the Holy Cross Catholic Middle Schoo
The Black Sheep •

Point/Counterpoint: Ohio Corn Is Better Than Indiana Corn, And Therefore, Our Boys Are Better At Football Than Them

Since stupid Penn State gave Ohio State a run for its money last weekend, we’re all hoping and praying that this weekend against Indiana goes more smoothly. Considering the fact that Ohio corn is totally better than Indiana corn, we at The Black Sheep are pretty sure that that automatically makes us better at football too. Right? Let’s look at the facts. Point: According to statistics, Ohio corn tends to have a 47% higher kernel count than Indiana corn. What does this have to do with football
The Black Sheep •

Following 5-Year Suspension, AEPi Excited to Welcome Recently Bar Mitzvahed 7th Grader

Jacob Goldberg, a current seventh-grader who just got bar mitzvahed this past weekend, is looking forward to being the next pledge in Alpha Epsilon Pi at The Ohio State University after the fraternity, along with Sigma Alpha Mu, was recently placed on a five-year suspension by the university, and will not be allowed back on campus until 2023. While the historically Jewish fraternity will no longer be able to recruit new members, Goldberg believes he is a good candidate for AEPi’s next pledge cl
The Black Sheep •

Brutus is a Manwhore

On campus, bumping into Brutus the Buckeye is an immediate mood booster. He’s our mascot, buddy, and motivator. Overall, he’s the epitome of a team player. But one thing that many Ohio State students don’t know, is that Brutus is a leading player on an entirely different field as well. At the age of 50, Brutus Buckeye…is a manwhore. In light of this news, several hundred people came out Sunday night to meet in the Shoe for a support group of all of those who were screwed over by Brutus Buckeye.